Rod Miller: A Guide to Post-Election Etiquette for Pharmacy Candidates

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By Rod Miller, columnist

If you’ve lived in Wyoming for a while, you already know how a certified cowgirl or cowboy would react to losing (or winning, for that matter) an election. Just as they would respond to any other loss or victory in life. Graciously. Stoic. With humility and class.

That said, here’s a guide for Pharmacy candidates who are on the political campaign trail this season, and for the Pharmacy cowgirls and cowboys who are into their possessions. Attention, there will be a test on this material on August 17th.

If you’re a pharmacy candidate and you lose your primary, then your background is clear. The path has been laid out for you by everyone involved in the Big Lie, from Trump to all ranks. Here’s what you do.

(1) Falsehood. Rant and delusional that you lost because the election was stolen from you. You don’t need to confirm it, just say it loud enough. Blame Soros, or the CIA, or the Trilateral Commission…blame anyone but yourself for running an inept campaign. Lie.

(2) Cast doubt on the process. Require election results to be manually verified and counted by, say, the Park County Full Gospel Gun & Glee Club, or other equally qualified entity. Tell how the ballot boxes were filled with ballots collected by (fill in the blank).

(3) Repeat step 1.

(4) Call for help. Ask a national figure to come out and say how you were robbed. For example, if the pillow guy put his arm around you and told people what a great patriot you really are, they would listen. Right? Or at least you would sleep better.

(5) Accuse your opponent of cheating. If someone asks for proof, just say “the fact that I lost is the only proof you need”. Mention Ray Epps. Context doesn’t matter, just get that name out there. Throw a tantrum, cry, pout, and hold your breath until you turn blue. Soon everyone will realize that you have really been deceived.

In short, if you lose, act like a drugstore cowboy, not a real cowboy.

Now, if you win, the rules are just as simple. Here’s how a pharmacy candidate should behave after winning an election.

(1) Jubilee. Punch your chest and flex your arms. Preach that you have been justified. Take a bunch of post-election photos that display your own personal glory. Flags are mandatory.

(2) Call all your opponents, regardless of party, losers. Start your re-election campaign now by throwing mud at anyone who might be a future political threat.

(3) Even if you won a squeaker, call it a landslide. Use the first loser step above.

(4) Start looking at the upper desk and pull out some feelers. After all, if people voted for you in a race for county commissioners, you’ll probably make a great president. Work on it, instead of fixing the roads in your county.

(5) Forget that Roman generals, riding in triumph to celebrate a victory, were required by law to have a page on horseback in their chariot during the parade, constantly reminding the general that “all glory is fleeting.”

To recap, whether you win or lose as a Pharmacy contestant, don’t behave like a real Wyoming cowboy or cowgirl. Act like the cheap drugstore knockoff that you are, because it’s so obvious.

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